WORLD EXCLUSIVE REVIEWS!
So, it’s reaching that point of the year again. That point where the major gaming releases hit. I’m sure many of them will be in line for an ‘Ant Award’ (one of the most prestigious awards out there – more details later). It’s also one of the most frantic times for reviewers as they try to become the first place to get their score for Modern Warfare 2 out there, or whatever. Reviews apparently matter that fucking much, that it’s a battle to get the WORLD EXCLUSIVE REVIEW stamp and fill up their stamp book.
This year, i’m going to embarrass them all. The great thing about writing a shit blog, is that publishers ignore you (or, more likely, never find you). So I have no embargoes to follow. Nobody to answer to. I present to you the WORLD EXCLUSIVE REVIEWS of some of the biggest games this xmas. Not that these reviews will mean anything, or change your opinion. You’ve already made your mind up if you’re going to get them. Reviews are just there to tell you that you’re right/wrong to be looking forward to it.
Minor point, but i’ve never played any of these games. I’ll simply be using video clips i’ve seen, and stuff i’ve read on other sites. You’ll also notice that i’ve given every game the same score – 101%. This is so that when (not if, NOT IF) it gets picked up by Metacritic, i’ll be at the top when you scroll down. Free advertising. I’M NOT STUPID!
Modern Warfare 2 (360, PS3, PC)
The big one then. The first game sold fucking loads, so this should do pretty well. My mate, Dan, says that the graphics have been improved as well. He says that there’s more to do, and he’s looking forward to it. I wouldn’t trust everything he says though, as he’s got a bit of a reputation of lying. I liked the online in the first one, so if the second has something similar to that, I should like that too. It all depends how good at the game I am. It’s true that if you win more, you have more fun. It’s good to see the guns making a comeback in this game as well. I’m not sure how good the game would have been had they taken that feature out. 101%
New Super Mario Bros Wii (Wii…I think)
I believe the general idea for this one is the same as other Mario games. You go left to right and reach the end. Why change a winning formula. This time though, you can play with three friends. Don’t have three friends? Then you can’t. Even if you did, i’m not sure why they’d want to as they’re forced to be shit characters like Luigi and Toad…and not even the real fucking Toad! Lame. The bits i’ve seen have had Mario type music. Still nothing licenced, which is a shame. I reckon the series has now become big enough to get some proper music in there. I suggest muting your television, and turning the CD Player on. Has it become uncool to still use CDs? All this downloading stuff…it’s hard keeping up. 101%
Assassins Creed (360, PS3, PC)
The first game got boring. This looks a little more fun. That’s about it. Might pad this out with key words so the review gets found on Google or something. Nick Griffin. Jan Moir. X-Factor. Google. Strictly Come Dancing. Twitter. YouTube. Yahoo. Manchester United. John Leslie. 101%
ALSO THIS WEEK!
Uncharted 2 then. Now THAT’S something i’ve actually played! Brilliant stuff. Has managed to fix a lot of the issues I had with the first one, mainly the gun combat. It’s still not great, but it frustrates you far less. If you own a PS3, you owe it to yourself to play both of them.
Also, a ton of great content hit Rock Band this week. For Rock Band 2, you were given 10 classic Queen songs. On The Beatles: Rock Band, the rest of Abbey Road was put up. Played through the entire album, and the medley is perhaps my new favourite thing on the game. I loved it anyway, but playing it adds something more.
The bad news of the week came in the form of my 360 getting the 3 RED LIGHTS OF DOOM! Ended up getting the 250Gb Forza 3 pack and it seems (*touching lots and lots and lots of wood*) to be working great. Forza 3 isn’t too bad either…
26/10/2009 at 10:59 am
Well I agree on the critics on the first part, but you don’t seem very comforted this one will be a hit. NOt even after having seen all the trailers, dev diaries and artwork
?
Check our blog out http://www.thewayoftheassassin.nl/ a place where we gather all kinds of (fun) info on AC2
26/10/2009 at 12:18 pm
Its such a shame so many people who 3RROD are so willing to take it in the arse like this.
The only reason Microsoft got away with it (believe me, offering a 3 year warranty patching them up with temporary repairs when they go wrong was getting away with it because they should have recalled and replaced all of them with non defective machines) was because so many of their customers are happy to be fucked over. Microsoft know that over the next few years pretty much every 2005 and 2006 360 will die and those people will have to buy a replacement.
They knowingly sold faulty consoles, lied about it for over a year then never sorted the problem out, instead simply offering a temporary fix. Disgusting is what it is and I can only assume they got away with it because of a combination of fanboyish loyalty (to a company which did this to you? wtf?) and consumer naivety caused by immaturity.
Its sad because its set a precedent telling all electronic companies that gamers are perfectly happy to be treated like shit on a massive and unprecedented scale as long as you have built up enough brand loyalty and an irrational hatred of its competition.
26/10/2009 at 12:22 pm
I actually took my old machine back and paid the difference to get the bigger model. It wasn’t as if I just threw the old one in the bin.
26/10/2009 at 1:00 pm
So yours was still under warranty then? I thought you had a launch model :/ How much did you get for the trade in?
I still stand by my post though although its obviously directed at people who’s 360′s are now out of warranty.
26/10/2009 at 8:15 pm
I read your review as there was so much hype on your twitter page.
How can you review a game which you have not played? I review games in the freelance domain. It is sinful and a disgrace to the gaming community that you feel you can write such a poor report on a game you have never played, I agree with you that games are a very personal thing, but you should play them before your opinions are reached. A food critic does not review food without the tasting of the eyes and tongue.
If you played the games maybe your opinions would change. Your other work is marvellous and a pleasure to read.
Play the game, review the game and who knows maybe you could get published somewhere.
Keep playing!
TabloidGhost
26/10/2009 at 9:26 pm
Thank you for the kind feedback regarding the blog.
Just to clear up – this was totally a joke post. The reviews are not to be taken as serious at all. The joke being that I havn’t actually played them. That’s the joke.
OBVIOUSLY i’m not expecting people to take these reviews seriously. Just a bit of fun.
26/10/2009 at 11:41 pm
Hi,
Just saw your comment, well it is definitely worth noting that you do have a talent with words and reviews, i have read some of the articles you have written on other games and various subjects. The console article was a very good article, do you write for any games mags or is your interest purely “just for fun”?
I wonder if you would consider writing something on new versus old. I have had the question proposed to me several times recently:
“The PS3 & Xbox are top end machines with real-time play and supreme quality, but why does the Wii have such a following with basic graphics and games?” Is it purely that people enjoy the simple things?
I feel very strongly that all modern games were born from the simple and basic games of yester-year yet in this modern day more and more people forget this. It has it taken a console such as the Wii for us to realise that we can still have fun with simple games by the method of interaction with the machine.
It seems a simple question but once you get started, you’ll realise i’ve opened a can of worms!
Keep up the great work, it always makes a great read from my office in sunny Greenwich.
TG